Thursday, June 18, 2009

Being Honest...

I'm feeling a bit guilty about this blog. I post on here but what's going on but it's not ALL of what's going on. I love reading about people's REAL lives. We all have our up's and down's. So I'm going to share what's happening.

To start off, this move to New Mexico, I NEVER thought it was going to be so difficult to leave Alaska. I can leave the weather, the fish, the everything...except the people. It is breaking my heart that I can't pack all of them up and take them with me. I feel like they are my family. So I have a song for you, Alaska! Here it is...

Nsync....Tearing up my heart. Yup that just happened!

What else is going on in the W world is a bit more personal. Chris and I have been trying to make Bee a brother or sister for 2 years now. We wanted 6 kids, not too far apart.

Heavenly Father had a different idea.

As I mentioned in yesterday's post, we tried for two years to have Bee. We thought it just wasn't the right timing with the Air Force, with my job, all of it. So when we got pregnant in April of 2007, we jumped for joy! All our ducks were in a row, we knew this was going to be awesome. We went for our first ultrasound to have no heartbeat.

We were crushed. We thought our dreams were coming true.

Three months later, we are pregnant again. This time with a heartbeat. A strong one too! We told people fairly soon because 1. I can't keep secrets about myself, EVER! 2. I was puking my brains out and people had to notice.

Nine months later we had Bee!

So wonderful. We enjoy him so greatly. BUT we both grew up with siblings, we know how important it is to have someone to play with. We wanted another one.

After we were cleared with Bee, we started trying again.

Two years later, we are still trying.

It has been a roller coaster of emotions. EVERY month. Tears, joys...

I went in for my girlie appointment about 2 months ago. They asked if things were okay. I said yes BUT we have being trying for 2 years to have another baby. What are your thoughts?

After testing and all kinds of stuff, I am now on Clomid. It is a medicine that will help my ovaries release egg(s). We are in the middle of the cycle. (Chris says the fun part! HE he he)

There are HUGE amounts of emotions that go into this sort of thing.

This is where I need your help.

Should I be putting this stuff on this blog? Do you wanna read about it?

Or should I put it on another blog and invite people over?

I am really having a hard time with this. What's too personal for your blog?

Is your blog like a journal to you?


Homer and Queen said...

If you can't tell us then who? I don't think it is too personal, but then again...have you read my blog?! Good luck girl, I have been where you are!

rachel griffith said...

well here's the thing...
if you are comfortable putting it out there, then it's fine.
i have found that my bloggy pals really, really are some of the best peeps on this green, green planet.
not. even. joking.

Soxy Deb said...

Honey, there have been times (the issues with my granddaughter) that I have absolutely bared my soul on my blog. I mean, all out crying while typing, which was cathartic for me, so I hope no one else minded.
One thing I will say, is I feel like I got the BEST support from my bloggy friends - and boy did that help. Truly.
SO if you want to post here, I'll still read. If you want to post at another blog, I'll read. If invited.
I may not be able to be 'there' for you, but I can always try to be 'here' for you.
Big hugs to you. Lots of emotion in this post with all that you've got going on.

Bobbi Jo said...

I see nothing wrong with you sharing with your blogging buddies. We can love you, support you and pray for you. What more could a girl ask for.
I have been in your position. For three years we tried and tested and then one day the specialist said I was trying too hard. He told me to find a job I loved and keep busy and it would happen. So I got a job that took my heart and mind and in 3 months I was pregnant.
You will be in my prayers and thoughts. My daughter is wanting a second baby too and hasn't been able to get pregnant yet. We are all out here rooting for you.
Sorry leaving Alaska was so hard for you. I know I was only there for a short time but I fell in love with everything about it.
Hugs, Bobbi Jo

Rachael Adele said...

That's the best part of blogging-- it's totally up to you. Do what feels best. If people aren't interested, then they simply won't read.

Becky said...

Lots of bloggers write about fertility issues, so I don't think that is an issue. Other topics may be more taboo, like marriage problems and such, though. I hope the Clomid works soon for you!

tiburon said...

I want to hear about everything - the good and the bad.

we also struggled with secondary infertility - and it is devastating. We had Ethan and Avery with very little trouble (5 and 7 months to conceive, respectively) and then we really struggled with Olivia.

I did 18 months of Clomid - gained 40 pounds and became a raving witch - we finally conceived and we waited and waited to tell everyone.

At 12 1/2 weeks I lost that baby. It was crushing. We had to wait almost another year after that to finally get pregnant with Olivia.

I completely understand the rollercoaster - it sucks.

If you ever need someone to vent to - I am your girl :)

Barbaloot said...

First off---it's your blog and I say you can do what you want:)
Second-I think sharing can be helpful. I'm sure there are those out there that have experience in this area that can talk to you. Plus, sometimes it's easier to discuss things like this with people who are strangers---not that that's quite the right term from the blog community, but it's a little different that close family I think.

val of the south said...

I say share away!! Life has it's ups and downs - we can all relate to that. Share what you feel comfortable - I'll still be here listening.

Molly said...

I definitely think sharing what you feel comfortable with is the most important thing. I hope everything works out and I'll be reading/supporting along the way! :)

Sugar & Spice said...

There are things I don't put on my blog because it concerns people that read it that just don't understand why I feel a certain way. It's very hard for me to have to sensor what I write and that's why so often I don't post because I feel like I can't.

I think a second blog about trying to conceive, etc is a great idea. But if you decide to put it on this blog it doesn't matter it's your choice.

Kristina P. said...

I think it's great to share this here! I'm thinking of you!

Jane's Fabrics and Quilts said...

Oh sweetie, It is your blog and even though we have not met we are your friends and that is what friends are for, as long as we are sharing, how about this, One daughter 28, one daughter 25, one daughter 13, we were blessed with the help of the same drug you are taking, ours took eleven years, and I had her at 40, the joy of our lives, if you want more do what you can and never give up hope, just think of me!! and now at 13 she is an aunt, life if great and it will be for you. Leading the kind of life you and your husband do, you will now have good friends all over the world. xoxxo

Anonymous said...

I think that if you are fine with putting it up on the blog, then do it. I don't mind reading it. I love to know what is going on if your life! If people don't want to read it they don't have to.

The Duckers said...

My blog is sooooo my journal, but Dorian is not okay with my putting everything on there. (like when he lost his job) He just wasn't comfortable with it being there for everyone to read. I was, but I respect his feelings. So, if Chris is okay with it, i say GO FOR IT!! And for me, I SOOOO want to read it.
I hope all goes well for you. I'll keep you in my prayers, and I'm just so sorry you haven't been able to get what you've wanted for so long yet.

chelsea said...

It really is up to you. I have loved getting to know about you and your life...all of it, but really it is a personal thing and as long as it isn't too personal for you to want to share, share it. For some of us our blog is all the journaling we get in..yes mine is my journal. I will keep you in my prayers. Know that everything is on the Lord's time table!

Aunt Spicy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Aunt Spicy said...

I realize we have never met, but I really enjoy your are REAL, and funny, and honest and a joy to read! I think all the earlier comments sum it up well...if you are comfortable with writing it, then you should write it, and all the supportive blogger who read your blog will respond! I think it is because so many people empathize, cause we have all struggled to understand the Lord's will verses our own will...whether in having a child, or in finding the right guy, or a myriad of other ways. I'll keep you in my prayers!

Aunt Spicy said...

Opps! I have no idea why it posted twice, so I deleted one of the comments, sorry about that!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I don't think it's too personal either! If you are comfortable with it then let it OUT girl cause WE are here for ya!

I hope for the best and hope that stuff you are taking works for you guys! :)

Sandi said...

Well I think you will get A LOT of support on here, so if that helps get you through some bad days then bring it on sister! This is such a prevalent problem these days it seems, I personally know so many people having the same issue. I hope and pray it all works out for you!
How much longer will you be in Alaska? My nephew is in Anchorage (we think- he never really answered that question haha) he went fishing on a military base last week and got chased by a moose and bit by a rotweiller..wouldn't it be fun if he got to add "met Kritta" to that list??

Monster Mary said...

First of all I can't even imagine AK without you but I'm gonna have to as you won't be here. sniff sniff.
Secondly I don't want to have to check a second blog, keep it here.
I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I'm sure you feel the same way but I love being a mom more then anything even when my little rats shred old pee pee pull ups all over their room like nasty confeti. Yesterday was a really long day. I still love them. I agree siblings can be pains but are so much fun.

Anonymous said...

I for one do want to hear about it. All of it. Keep me in the loop!

Taron Anderton Deeds said...

OK OK it is taring me up too that you are leaving AK who else is crazy enough to get up at 5 on a saturday morning to go to the temple with me??? so anyway I don't care what you put on or off of your blog...just as long as we are still texting buddies forever. AND NO ONE SHOULD DARE READ OUR TEXTS..
.... HE HE HE!

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

My blog is my journal. I agree with everything everyone else has said. I know for sure that there is not way I could have surivied this past year without my blog. Both the cathartic nature of writing down the pain and the support I received in writing that I could read over and over when I really needed it. Well I have no doubt that it literally saved my life as at one point I was so low that I seriuosly considered ending things.

I too have dealt with the pain of infertility, although for me it was a certainty that my kids would not be biological and so we moved onto adoption pretty quickly. Still we were married 7 years before the placement of our first son. I hate roller coasters of any kind, but especially the emotional ones really suck.

I wish you all the best with the changes going on. Allow yourself to grieve. Grieve the loss of all your friends. Greive the loss of the control about when your second child will be born. Leaving those who know what you are going through and love you will make the leaving even harder. It will be hard to move to a new place and meet new people and say "Hi I'm Kritta, and I suffer from infertiltiy." That is why your blog friends could be so wonderful, they will be a constant in this state of change you are going through.

If you have never read much about greiving, do some research. There are concrete things you can do to get through the greiving process. Be kind to yourself and forgiving. Most of all feel the pain, there is no way around, only through. You are strong. You will make it. It will just be hard for a while.

Big hug.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Oh and sorry to write a novel in your comment box.

Sandi said...

Oh Kritta p.s. my nephew is in Eagle River......??

Dianah said...

If you feel like sharing whats going on you should. Tons of people are in your same spot and are afraid of talking about it. The other bonus is the amount of support you will get. You will be amazed at the places it comes from.

I went through a lot of what you have already. The first time I was pregnant my doctor would not listen to me. I lost the baby at 9 weeks, they wouldn't even see me again until we did the heartbeat thing at 14 weeks. No heart beat the day before Thanksgiving. My whole family could only talk about me being pregnant, didn't really want to share that I was having a DNC the next week. The doctor, which I soon fired, also refuse to give me birth control pills, I was pregnant again within 6 weeks. He said there was no way for that to happen. It was twins that time. Valentines Day weekend I lost one, my new doctor put me on bed rest in order to try and save the second one. Presidents Day weekend I lost the second one. I also had to have another DNC. My new doctor handed me a pack of birthcontrol and would not release me from the hospital until I took one. I asked if I could take two. By then I had decided on not having kids.

Decemeber that same year a co-worker gave me a puppy. Jackson changed things for me. I decided to start the testing I needed to do. It was months worth of testing. Some of it was beyond crazy. It all came down to me having a low progrostrone(? I never spell it right.) level. I just needed to take a pill twice a day during my first trimester.

I got pregnant with Delaney that next father's day. Three years later I am doing it again.

The worse part through all of this, Pre-Blogland, was my friends couldn't relate. I had people afraid to tell me that they were pregnant and not inviting me to babyshowers. I felt very alone and leftout. I had one friend, a gay man, that never changed. He was wonderful. He was the only one who figured I was still the same person.

Good Luck!

Anonymous said...

I, like you have hesitated to share some things that have been going on. I want to be more open. I have started treating my blog more like a journal that is for my family.

We struggled also. After Roo, I was even told that I would not be able to have any more. That is why there is a 4 years 11 months 2 week age gap between Roo and American girl. Then we couldn't sit next to each other with out me getting pregant the next 2 times. Meaning that the last three are all 21 months apart, between each one of them. I had 3 in diapers, well I was potty training and had 2 in diapers. But I counted those nights of pull ups!

Share, you may find comfort from those who have been through it already and can offer up support in this time when your feeling low. How can we help if we don't know?

Hope this helps a little.

Nanette Merrill and daughters said...

I totally believe your blog is YOUR blog. If people don't want to read what you put out there they can move on. You should worry about pleasing you and what you are comfortable with. Life isn't always pretty. In fact. Most days it isn't at all. The really great days are few and far apart really. At least that is my observation in my ripe old age of 52. I will say that going through my husbands unemployment stage was really hard for me to talk about on my blog. So I shared it with blog friends more personally and sparingly. But it helped me so much that I wish I had been more forthright about it because of all the support. I say. Suit yourself. We'll be here.